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The creation of a thousand forests is in one acorn
I once dated a man who had a penis that was smaller than average. But, as the saying goes, “It’s not the size of the boat but the motion of the ocean.” After two years of dating, he broke up with me for a blonde Barbie bimbette with huge breasts. I was crushed, so I did what any sane woman does —
I told everyone that his small dick looked like an acorn in black grass.
—Annie, Rhode Island
No poo for two
I once took a nighttime emergency shit in a cemetary on my stroll home from a party. Five minutes after my poo, a tweaker rolled up to me and asked if I partied. When I told him I did not do drugs, he assured me that the party was in my butt. I politely declined.
Cut or uncut?
I’m a straight, white, male in my mid 30s, making close to 90K per year and I like to draw penises. When I scribble – it’s a penis. Instead of drawing a Hitler mustache or blacking out teeth of celebrities, I draw little penises shooting cumsies in their mouths or in their eyes. Tom Hanks with an eyeful makes me giggle. I feel no shame.
—Anonymous male, Midwest
Talk dirty to me
My man loves to talk dirty to me while in bed, like wanting me to tell him to watch me get railed by a strange guy which turns us both on so bad.
One for the road
I was totally drunk at a bar one night and thought it was a great idea to hit on a friend who I had known for almost ten years. (I blame booze) He said he wasn’t into women with my “type of body girth.” At the end of the night, while waiting for my Lyft, I went behind the dumpster to empty the shit I’d been holding in since 7 o’clock. (I blame the tacos) I’m not proud of this, but I yanked off my panties, picked up as much shit as I could get off the ground, and stuck the entire panties package to his windshield before my Lyft ride arrived. My friend knows it was me, I know it was me, the Lyft driver knows it was me (because I told him). I have been denying it for the last eight months. I’m sure he didn’t like that girth either!
Using three fake accounts, I stalk my ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend on Instagram and leave snarky comments about her being overweight or just leaving “that’s dumb” comments all over the place. Dumb fat bitch.
He’s a prize
I have been pushing for my wife to have sex with another man in the hopes she falls in love with him so I can get the hell out of Dodge without paying alimony. If that doesn’t work then it’s back to incessantly farting, belching, and packing on the pounds.
FaceTime me AnyTime!
I woke up after a drunk night to me spread eagle in my bed, my vibrator still on and I had been FaceTiming someone on Facebook messenger that I had been Facebook stalking but had never had the nerve to talk to.
—Pink Marie, KCMO
Clean up in aisle 1
Sometimes when I go to the grocery store I grab a cucumber and two oranges and make the shape of a cock and balls for everyone to see.